Behind the Blog

I hope I didn’t age myself too much with this title. If you are around my age you might remember VH1’s ‘Behind the Music’. I have to say I was more of an MTV girl though. TRL was my favorite! And don’t get me started on practicing those dance moves from Brittany Spears and your favorite boy bands. You know you did it too 🙂

Anyway, I thought I would give some background about me and share more of who I am… 

I always felt lame because I never had this radical life change happen to me about why I invited Jesus into my heart and stayed committed to church and to God. I had a great life. I grew up in church. My family is very solid. After 46 years my parents are still married! 46 years y’all!! They just celebrated this month. I have two older brothers who always took care of me, sometimes too much. And was in my business when it came to boys, but I survived. I got everything I wanted. I was never without. But for some reason I dealt with fear, a lot. I was guarded. I never felt good enough and was always trying to keep up with the Kardashian’s. I never felt comfortable with who I was, or maybe I felt that if I showed who I was no one would like me. I dealt with image issues. Yes I am a smaller build, but I had terrible acne! I mean terrible! My poor mother did everything she could to help me with it. I was doing laser, facials and blue/red light treatments when they were unheard of and crazy expensive! 

But for some reason I dealt with fear, a lot. I was guarded. I never felt good enough

I met my husband, Isaac at age 14 maybe 13 in youth group (it’s a bit fuzzy). You might ask if it was love at first sight? Nope, no it wasn’t. I mean don’t get me wrong he was good-looking, but he was this loud, energetic, fun-loving jokester and the introvert in me wanted nothing to do with him. I had never met anyone like him before. He fit in wherever he was and was always the same person. You get what you get with him. He was and is not afraid to be himself. Obviously we were around each other a lot as we hung out at church and youth events, and you know he kinda grew on me 😉 We became great friends until one day I realized that I liked him. He was not my typical type of guy, which is why I may have been blind to who he was. But he loved God and even as a teenager showed me what faith, trust and even what worship looked like. We officially started dating when I was 16 and got married when I was 21.    

Everything sounds perfect, right? Even as I write this I think, wow why were you struggling with anything? How could that be? Do you want to know why? It is because there is someone out there that will do all that they can to break you down little by little. The enemy’s sole purpose for his existence is to steal kill and destroy who we are (John 10:10). Satan has always been a jealous being and was never satisfied, even when he was the highest of all angels. He wanted to be more, he wanted to be God (Ezekiel 28:12-19). I believe when he see’s God’s creation he gets angry and will start to plant seeds in us that are not truths of God. We start feeding the seeds and life starts to get complicated. Unfortunate situations can also happen, and I hate that we each have to go through things that are just completely out of our control and unfair. But God is sovereign and He is our healer among all circumstances.  

I believe when he see’s God’s creation he gets angry and will start to plant seeds in us that are not truths of God.

So because we got married so young, we knew we didn’t want kids right away. We agreed to wait five years to start trying. Five years later here comes the baby, right? I mean that’s how it is suppose to happen in my perfect plan. I plan every little detail out. I struggle with perfection and get a bit crazy when “my plans” don’t go how they should. What should have been five years was more like seven years. We got our little blessing. My sweet baby boy, Lincoln Isaac. This boy has shown me what love is. He stole my heart the moment I found out about him. Because of how long it took us to get pregnant the first time, we decided not to wait and keep going. We both thought it would take awhile again. Little did I expect that I would be pregnant before Lincoln turned one. He was eleven months when I found out we were pregnant with number two. 

What a relief right? We felt so blessed to not have to go through the process and worry about what was wrong with us. At our 20 week ultrasound as we are anxiously waiting to find out if its a boy or girl (Im hoping for a boy, Isaac is hoping for a girl). After my excitement of a boy and making sure Isaac wasn’t too upset he didn’t get his baby girl, we got hit with the biggest punch to the gut I have ever experienced. All I heard was he isn’t viable for life, do you want to have an abortion, can we do an amniocentesis to confirm what we see, he will need heart surgery, blah, blah, blah. My little man Oliver beat a lot of odds that the doctors put on him. And I did get to carry him to 34 weeks. He did survive birth and we did get to do all those first time baby things with him. He was the greatest blessing for me and he changed my perspective on life. He showed me how to have peace, how to feel peace and how to be at peace. That is who he was, Oliver means peace. 

He showed me how to have peace, how to feel peace and how to be at peace.

This time in my life was a struggle! I tried to look fine on the outside but I was dying on the inside. I felt lost and for the first time I didn’t have anyone to give me solid faith based advice. I hated hearing the church answers. And no one could say I know how you feel. I realized that I had been relying on others for my faith. I had to dig deep, I mean deep to find myself again. But more importantly find who I was in Christ. I had to develop my own trust, faith and relationship in Him. That year in 2015 was a whirlwind. I was grieving we put our house on the market and moved to Texas. So much was happening and I couldn’t be a crutch to someone else anymore. 

I healed and boy do I thank God for saving me. I was broken and he put me back together and he still is. God is never changing and always there to pick us up, we just have to ask. And while I was dealing with more issues of inadequacy because everyone around me was on kid three and four, and I only had one. It was like one was not enough. How selfish right? I gave it to God and literally told him Ok, thank you for Lincoln, thank you for allowing me to be his mom and if he is all I get, thank you. I definitely needed to heal before wanting another child. Because believe me I did not want anymore kids for awhile after Oliver. But I also knew in my heart that we weren’t done but it wasn’t the right time. God knows what we need and in what season in our life we need it. He blessed us again and this time with a precious baby girl. Graecia (Gray-sha) Joy was born last year in 2018. She has been this light out of the darkness, and truly has filled my heart with joy and God has shown us so much favor.

God knows what we need and in what season in our life we need it.

No one has a perfect life. Everyone struggles with something. We were never promised a life without trials and struggles. As I mentioned before, the enemy is out to destroy us. He speaks lies into our minds and because we are human we start believing them in our hearts. We have to know who Christ is, what his word says in order to speak against the lies that satan tries to plant in us. As corny as this sounds speaking out loud will help. But you have to believe it. I am beautiful. I will get through this. I am not alone. God is bigger. Satan is a liar. I am more than capable. I am qualified. I am blessed and highly favored. I am who God says I am. 

I am beautiful. I will get through this. I am not alone. God is bigger. Satan is a liar. I am more than capable. I am qualified. I am blessed and highly favored. I am who God says I am. 

Plant yourself in God and in His word. Surround yourself with people who are likeminded and willing to help you in your time of need. I felt alone during my season with Oliver. I really hated that, and it was no ones fault but my own. That is why I want to let people know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! God is always there, we just need to reach. Your people are there, they really are. They may not understand what you are going through but they will pray for you and listen to you. We just have to be willing to open up that hurting part of us. God is our source for survival, it’s up to us to decide how strong and how deeply rooted we want to be. Because when those punches to the gut hit, we need to remember who we are. And I pray it’s who God says you are and not the lies that Satan tries to speak to you.