I had this bright idea in 2020…
Let’s run 26.2 miles. Yeah a marathon. “Let’s add that to the list of goals for the year. Sure I can do it, why not?” Let me tell you, running long distances is not for the faint of heart. It takes time, dedication and a whole lot of SELF MOTIVATION.
I’m sure you all know how that marathon turned out (smh). No meeting in person, no race. No race, no need to run, right? Welp, a cancelled event caused me to be lazy saying, ‘oh well maybe next year.’ 2020 brought out some emotions and a lifestyle that has been hard to recover from (for me anyway). One day the powers that be said ‘nope, you can’t go anywhere, stay home.’ That was such an adjustment. We tried to get a routine in, especially with the kids when it came to church and the weekends. This sparked a different kind of normal.
Living Life in 2020
For most people from what I hear, 2020 brought discovery. A new found hobby, a business, a new passion or a career change. Well for me, it brought laziness, which is the best way I can describe the year. Everything but my 9-5 job was neglected. Once COVID hit, in my industry it meant job security. My workload increased 100% (thank you Jesus for that). But with the workload all day every day, I found myself unfulfilled and constantly working and thinking about work.
I was working a lot more due to the workload. Previously my outlet was to get out of the house, to create that separation from work and home. I had already been working from home before COVID. That was not a new normal for me. What was new was not being able to get away from my “office” and work life. With the kids home it honestly felt like Groundhog Day most days (go watch the movie if you haven’t). We did get outside and do whatever activities we could, but I was not allowing myself to decompress and release my emotions and thoughts. I had no outlet anymore and never noticed it was missing. I just dealt with this feeling of emptiness.
In most everything I became complacent and felt lonely, I still am not sure why. COVID exposed the fact that I still didn’t have much of a community outside my home. I don’t make friends easily due to my introverted nature and had to deal with lots of changes. Everyone and everything had to pivot (word of the year, lol) and so did i having to adjust to a different normal. We had to find a new church, something I never imagined. That in itself has been a difficult transition. It’s been a weird season for me. I feel I wasted time. Even though all the time we all ever needed or wanted was given to us. I wasted it.
Moving Forward
Thinking back to the marathon, why did I stop? I could have ran it on my own and still had something to show for it with a medal and self achievement. I felt down on myself for quitting. I ran here and there a few times, but completely slowed down in all physical activity. Running is more of a mental challenge than a physical one and is daunting on your own. Running was my outlet. It was a place where all my thoughts and emotions could be left behind. After each run I come back energized (yes, energized after a run) feeling lighter in my thoughts, worries and emotions.
Needless to say, God has been showing me areas I need to work on and improve in while I’ve been trying to figure out what next steps to take. Putting me in a place of unfamiliarity makes me cringe. I doubt who I am. I question myself and what my true calling is. Both for the church and in the workplace. I constantly deal with self-doubt in my abilities losing sight of who God made me to be. I have been working to navigate through all this. How do I go after my dreams, goals and passions unapologetically and still provide for my family (a topic for another time)?
Even though I didn’t accomplish what I wanted last year. I still have this year. I am still running that race. But while doing so, I am learning to find myself again. I now know the last time I felt alone and in the wilderness was when Oliver passed away. I’ve been in a funk (that’s the best way I can describe it) and I don’t know how to get out. I am doing all I know to do. Maybe getting back to the place where I found peace and healing is where I need to be. Running, writing, seeking and trusting God. Allowing him to direct me.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.12:2a Or Jesus, the originator and perfecter of our faith. Because of the joy12:2b Or Instead of the joy. awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.
Hebrews 12:1-2
That is why I am running this race. The race that God has set out for me to do. I am challenging myself and growing myself physically and mentally. Pushing my limits and trusting in my own abilities and God’s abilities in me and His supernatural strength for me. Whatever 2020 brought to your door good or bad, allow yourself to produce fruit from that season. It’s never too late to start, or to stop whatever that looks like for you.