Can you believe there was a moment in my life that I actually prayed to God, not to let me get pregnant? I had moments in the bathroom telling God as I was peeing on a stick, please God I am not ready, we are not ready, don’t let this be positive. Why on earth would I ever tell God that? I had dreamed of always having a family of being a mom, of having 3-4 kids (all boys 🙂 ). I planned every step of my life since the day I can remember. I created a roadmap for my life, thinking that I was setting myself up to fulfill the dreams that were inside of me. I wanted success and happiness and this was how I was going to get there.
When Isaac and I got married, I had other aspirations in my sight before a family. I told Isaac, we are not having kids until we’ve been married for five years. I seriously dictated my life. We were young, I still was in school and wanted to be sure I finished. I wanted to have an established career. I wanted us to be more financially stable. I mean come on most of us newlyweds had no cable, maybe a couch to sit on, and a mattress to sleep that was handed down to us from some relative. I had an expectation on life and I was not going to be satisfied until I reached that point.
Everything was going great. I finished college, the next step was getting a ‘big girl’ job. No more working part-time at a home decorating store, or in property management. It was a crossroads time. Do I just move forward in real estate since I am gaining this experience, or do I try and start from the bottom in a government job (whatever type of job that would be as long as I was getting a retirement). Yup, I thought about retiring with a pension at 22 years old, like I said road map (insert emoji with palm in the face, along with the shrugging of shoulders). I am sure that on the surface no one ever saw this about me. But my need to control and plan was real. The sad part was that I never knew this was a problem. I am sure you might think the same thing too. What is the problem with planning your life, having a roadmap, a plan for your every move, it’s practical, right? It’s not like you are a free spirit that just frolics about jumping from thing to thing trying to figure out life. I actually knew where I was going even as a kid. But when things did not turn out the way I planned or expected it shook me up. And by shook up, I mean downright pitty party toddler type tantrums. I was out of control because what I thought I was able to control was out of my control.
I was out of control because what I thought I was able to control was out of my control.
Little things would set me off and my mind would begin to worry, and once I started to worry the anxiety would start settling in. And once anxiety settled fear took over. I feared so many things. Constantly worrying about the, what if’s. What if I don’t get this job, what if I never get pregnant, what if this pregnancy is like the last, what if my other children die, what if I have to raise my kids alone, what if I lose my job our livelihood would be gone, what if someone gets sick, what if nobody reads my posts, what if, what if, what if. And these are my true worries. Even as I type them out I feel the fear and anxiety start. My stomach turning into knots, needing to take deep breaths cause I feel like I can’t breathe and can’t take in a deep enough breath. It’s such a terrible web of lies we wrap ourselves in. And honestly, these are things that in all reality would actually never happen. When we begin to let the things we can’t control become a constant worry in our life we have ignored who God says He is and have surrendered our lives to the enemy. By ignoring God we ultimately have submitted to the authority of the enemy. And know that the enemy has no authority over us unless we allow him to. Joanna Weaver writes in Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, that what we worry about 40% are things that will never happen. 30%
So while my life was going according to my plan I never even thought to go to God first and ask Him if this was the right path or the right time. I believe that all that I have dreamt, achieved and done was the desires that God put inside me. But I never trusted Him enough to get me to those places. When I feel like I am in a waiting period, I look into all I need to do for plan, B, C, D and more. The struggle is real over here! And all this planning and worrying just caused me to walk in fear. I thank God for allowing me to finish my college degree, then my graduate school, then my ‘big girl’ job with retirement in a government position, then the car that I wanted and so many other great things only He could provide. I thought I was operating in His will, but at what point in my life was I going to let God speak to me and surrender myself, my plan to Him. And sometimes I think we have to be taken to a place where He can truly get our attention so He can speak to us. And many times that is in a place of brokenness and crushing.
You would have thought I would have learned in my waiting period of trying to get pregnant that God was waiting for me to press into Him. My plan was full proof. Wait five years, get off birth control, and within the first few tries, success (because come on, I set myself up not expecting it on the first try, so I wouldn’t worry!) But after 6 cycles had passed my worry grew, then 12 cycles, then 18 cycles and I am full on in anxiety mode.
He will provide in my time of need and also in my time of waiting.
I thought I learned my lesson. I really did. Until I was struck with tragedy. When my son Oliver was diagnosed with an illness at 20 weeks what was I going to do? I had no control. I was stuck. Stuck in a reality that I knew I could not do alone. I could not help my own self. I thank God for Isaac, my husband. He definitely operates in his faith better than me and trusts God to the fullest. I have never known him to doubt. He had to talk me down so many times from my fears and worries. After leaving the doctor’s office that lasted 3 maybe 4 hours I decided I would do my own research. I thought I could figure out a loophole, or follow with a plan B (lol, wouldn’t you think I would learn?!). After my first google search, I stopped. I couldn’t get myself to keep reading. I thought, what am I doing? Only God can do what He can do in this situation. And I finally and sincerely surrendered my situation and my life to God. He said to us take it one day at a time, I got you. So we did. I am not saying from that moment on it was easy. But from that moment on, I let God guide me. Yes, I still had my meltdowns, my questions of, why didn’t stop. But I felt a profound sense of feeling I never understood before, and that was peace (Philippians 4:7).
I just want to say, don’t be like me. Don’t operate in your own will for your life. God will guide you into His perfect plan that He set long before you were born (Jeremiah 1:5). Also, understand that God will not place tragedy in your life, we live in a broken imperfect world and until we get to heaven we will face imperfection. It is in these moments when we have no control that He will always try to get your attention. In my weakest moments, God showed me who He was. He showed me His faithfulness. I saw how the hard times in my life have been worked for good. I thank God for intervening in my life and taking control, or as Carrie Underwood sings, Jesus take the wheel. It’s a point of surrender. We can’t continue to operate by our own means. We will fail every time. But when we operate in God, He will propel us into a new season. A season from crushing to a season of harvesting, a season of new wine and fresh oil. So as much as you want to control your life and your circumstances around you, surrender to God. I promise you will live a life free of worry, anxiety, and fear. Remember 40% of the things we worry about will never happen.